This has been the week of falling apart. “To pieces,” if you will.
Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you will be the same person mentally after having kids. It. Just. Isn’t. True. (Cue the sobbing.)
I know I have shared a little about how Theo and I clash from time to time, but this week, well this week was…I don’t know. I really don’t have words to describe what happened. But this is a blog and I’m supposed to put into words my thoughts/feelings/experiences/etc. for you so I’ll give it my best shot.
Lets start with a few texts I sent my husband this week. It will help give you some insight into my mental status:
Tuesday: I officially turn in my resignation as day-time caretaker of your children. Not joking.
Wednesday: I’m sending you a photo of me right now as proof that I got showered and dressed today because, when you get home today, I’ll be in sweatpants.
Thursday: You better be on your way home…
I once read that dealing with toddlers is exactly like dealing with the insane. They have crazy mood swings, are completely irrational, believe they are capable of far more than they are truly able, impulsive, argumentative and emotional. This author then went on to explain that this behavior necessitates parents to constantly intervene, correct and console. That pretty much sums up my week with Theo.
My friends, after a week of constantly, and I mean constantly trying to keep my child from hurtling himself towards disaster every 30 seconds and being argued with the remaining 30, I started to feel like I was losing my mind.
Now, everywhere I look in my home I can almost literally see the pieces of my mind that were lost along the way as I battled my strong-willed, argumentative, emotional and destructive three year old.
Here in the office are a few pieces, lost when Theo chose to empty a box of crayons and break every single one, while his coloring book went untouched, uncolored. Then he ripped out pages in my magazines.
Here in my bedroom are the many pieces lost as he repeatedly woke me up at an absolutely inhuman hour each day.
Here in his room are pieces scattered around the many locations where I chased after him, trying oh so hard to just get him dressed.
Here in the bathroom are the pieces that I lost hour after hour as he would first refuse to go potty after telling me that he had to go potty, then would refuse to get off the potty when he finally got around to using it. It was a constant dance of, “I have to go, but won’t, but oh wait, now that I’m going you can’t make me ever leave!” (Then he throws his head back and laughs an evil laugh.)
Here in the kitchen are a pile of pieces lost due to the never ending wining over being hungry, but just like the potty drama, as soon as he is offered something, he suddenly starts whining about not wanting what was offered.
I could go on, and on.
But, if I’m honest, though this week did wreck havoc on my mental health, for every piece of my mind that I lost, I was able to find new pieces of myself in other places.
I find pieces of myself in Oliver’s smile and Theo’s compassion.
I find pieces of myself in how much Theo loves to be outside. Right now Theo loves to ride his bike, and today I got to get outside and ride with him for the first time ever. It was such a great moment, riding behind him, watching his little boy body pedal down the driveway.
I find pieces of myself in the evening, when everyone else is in bed. It is currently 1 AM and as I blog, I’m also pulling out a fresh batch of monster cookies from the oven. I can’t wait to eat these with a big cup of coffee.
I find pieces of myself in nature. I am refreshed by the beauty and new life of springtime. Spring continues to fill my backyard with beautiful buds…and babies! We have baby birds, ducks, foxes, and human babies all on our property!
I find pieces of myself my stopping to take a selfie with my kids. Because, let’s be honest. If mom doesn’t take a photo of herself, then there aren’t going to be any photos of mom ;-).
I don’t know what your week was like, reader, but whether you are picking up the pieces, putting it all back together, or feeling like everything is in place, I hope you read this and laughed and realized that it’s ok to fall apart from time to time. And, if anyone has any helpful suggestions as to how to get my brain back to my pre-babies state…I’d really appreciate it.