Theo practices writing his last name. I show him how to write a capitol S and then tell him the rest of the letters are lowercase. But S is a hard letter. It just looks the same, big or small. We keep trying.
I’m still not feeling well with a nagging cough that won’t go away and makes sleep restless. I feel like someone surgically removed my energy.
I left a load of cloth diapers in the pail all last week because I was too tired and out of it to remember to wash them and now I think they are irreversibly stinky. I stripped them today and then left them in the sun to breath and dry and yet, still the smell lingers.
My brain has been fuzzy with details I can’t organize and problems I can’t solve and I unintentionally hurt a friend by failing to rsvp to her event and that just makes me feel like the worst human being ever.
I sent Theo to school today and it wasn’t until he was on the bus that I glanced at the fridge and saw that today was supposed to be superhero day. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “He will be so disappointed,” I thought to myself.
My days have taken on a weird flow. I’ll feel like I have nothing to do, only to be jarred back into reality and remember all the things I’m supposed to be doing. Did I pay that bill? Did I wash that load of laundry? What are we having for dinner tonight?
Theo and I had a difficult morning again. He struggled to get his belt – the one his dad gave him – through the loops on his pants. Its an adult sized belt going on kid sized pants on a particularly scrawny kid. It wasn’t happening. He melted down. My frustration and sense of helplessness overwhelmed me. He cried and said he wanted to be on yellow that day at school (a warning color). He said he wanted to be bad.
I felt crushed. “You aren’t bad,” I said. “You aren’t bad,” I whispered, this time more to myself.
I had to run an errand after he returned home from school, today. I couldn’t take the kids with me. He ran to the door as I was about to walk out and asked for one more hug and kiss. I squeezed him tight and kissed his head.
“I love you, no matter what color you are on today,” he said to me.
I turned to him and smiled. “That’s right,” I said.
We keep trying.