Hello. It’s Me.

Man. I don’t even know where to start.

My brain feels numb. Is that possible? Homeschooling has been going well, I just feel like it’s drained me of all my cognitive functioning. It’s left me sitting in front of my computer, night after night, hoping to blog but not sure where to begin.

It’s good. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s…it’s…what’s the word I’m looking for???

I know this is just a season. A season of adjustment. A season of a lot of work. I’m not really discouraged, but then again, I don’t know WHAT I am. Crazy? Confused? Sure. All of it.

In many ways, I feel very much feel like a new mom. Foggy. Desperate. Happy. And everything in between.

I don’t think we’ve found our new rhythm yet. And I’ll be honest; having all three kids home all day, every day, is kind of tough. There really isn’t a break. I’m learning to be creative and I’m learning to set important boundaries so that we can all survive and be productive. But still.

By time we put the kids to bed each night, I end up in sort of stupor – frozen by the magnitude of all that is left to do, and completely ready to do nothing.

I’m learning to give myself grace. Sometimes, the most important thing we can do — is nothing. I need to give myself time to breath, unwind, and not think too hard about the next 30 minutes.

Also, my brain is tired.

I don’t know…is all this normal? I’m starting to find things in the cupboard that don’t belong: the open container of lime juice, for example. I haven’t done that in awhile. There is just so much to THINK about these days.

I’ve been able to work out or keep up with my yoga practice. I’ve done my best with meal planning and continuing to pump out healthy meals most nights. I teach yoga one night a week. I live for the weekends when Mike comes home and I get to hang out with my best friend. Beyond that? Geesh…Is there anything else right now? I mean, I’m re-watching Downton Abbey. So there’s that.

I think the trick for me right now is to be ok with that. With “just” that. I’ve always been the person who defines herself by what I can accomplish. When I do a lot and do it well, then I’m doing well. When I don’t/can’t, then life is a miserable mess. This isn’t healthy or realistic; motherhood taught me that pretty early on. But I’m still learning.

I’m still me. I’m just learning how to be me when life becomes something that I didn’t construct. Do you know what I’m saying?

For the first time, I’m not living a life that I chose with the sole intention of knowing I could do it, knowing it would turn out ok, and knowing that it would reflect well on me.

It’s all new and all uncertain and could all go up in smoke at any second.

The thing is, though, I think I’m starting to see the real me peak out. I can’t hide behind what I’m accomplishing or how I want people to perceive me or even the things that I thought made me – me.

This is not bad. This is just hard. It’s transformative. It’s…good grief. It’s exhausting.

I really believe in our decision to homeschool. It’s what’s best for Theo. But also, it’s an important step in  our vision for our family. And I truly, 100% believe, that all this transformation is for a reason. I could have gone ahead and pursued the life I thought I wanted or needed, but where is the transformation in that? Where is the adventure? Where is the learning and the growth? You can’t stay the same and become who you need to be all at the same time.

I don’t know what is on the other side of all this, for my family or for me personally. But I know it’s important. I know it’s going to be big. And I know it’s going to be good.

It’s good already.

Now if someone could help me find my car keys, that would be great.

2 thoughts on “Hello. It’s Me.

  1. I know the feeling of just having too much to do, and when bedtime comes around you weigh how heavy your eyes feel with how long your list is. It’s rough. But I don’t homeschool – I really cant’ imagine how much work that is! With 3 kids! You are incredibly brave and strong for your kids – and giving them what they need. That’s mommy magic! It’s a sacrifice .. sure, you could take the easy road and send your kids off to public school and then do what you want to do career-wise … but that might not be where you need to be. It’s a tough road you’ve chosen, but your love for your family is carrying you through. Keep on truckin’!

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