I guess you could say I’ve been somewhat avoiding my writing.
Life has been busy lately, but that’s not really what’s kept me away. Things have just been…kind of…different.
Our family is going through some changes. Quite a lot of changes, actually. Changes that span the full spectrum. And I’m good. We are all good – there is just a lot to figure out. (This is the point where my husband, in conversation, would say something along the lines of, “What do we have left to figure out?!” I’m always trying to figure things out that he thinks are already figured out. It’s an ongoing problem. But anyway, I digress.)
For a while now, I’ve felt that change was coming for our family. And now, even in the midst of some pretty big changes (some of which I’ll share with you soon, some of which I won’t), I still feel like there is more out there, waiting in the wings. I’m not unsettled, so to speak. Just, well, I guess I feel hyper-aware. Like I know that there is all this stuff going on right in front of me, but I also sense that we are about to turn the corner and discover more change just ahead.
All this to say, I’m having a hard time sitting down and writing. Not for lack of words. No, quite the opposite. I have SO MANY WORDS. I just don’t know how to order my thoughts. I can’t seem to figure things out. I’m sensing things that haven’t quite materialized yet, leaving me wondering, and on the look out. A line from John Donne keeps playing on repeat: a chimera in my brain, troubles me in my prayer. Chimera. I’ll never forget the first time I heard that word. It means an illusion. I feel like most of my thoughts are mere illusions right now – chimeras – instead of fact. I doubt what I should actually write down. I wonder what words to share. What words to censor.
I researched how to travel with my family around the word for a year at a time, so there’s that.
Also, we are gutting the first floor of our house right now. So there is that, too.
Oh, and I finally printed out the necessary paperwork to register our oldest son to homeschool him next year.
As always, I spend most of my waking and sleeping hours with my three kids. And I’m starting to feel desperate for a little space. Maybe desperate is the wrong word. But maybe not. I’m trying to figure out a way to get some help with the kids so that I can keep investing in them in the ways we’ve chosen. Again, a chimera if ever there was one.
I once told my friend that I felt guilty that I’m always trying to figure things out. Like maybe it shows a lack of faith in God. She told me that she thinks God made me this way, and that maybe this is the very thing that God has given me to keep pushing me forward and seeking what’s next.
I liked that, and I think she was right.
I’m still looking. And I’m still here.