What My Little Easter Baby Has Taught Me About Control, Fear & Freedom

Honestly, I know there are people in my life who probably think they are a better mom than me because they have more rules, more structure…more control.

I wish I didn’t care what other people thought about me or my mothering – but I do. Mostly, I think, because I care so much about being a mom. It can be difficult to reconcile just how much you care about something with other people’s criticism of how you handle the thing you love. I’ve learned to see it for what it is, though –  a reflection of where other people are at and not a true reflection of me. Because what is true about me, motherhood, and how I view control, is that I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons that have left me a little beaten up at times, but ultimately – a whole lot freer. Because we cannot cling to control and freedom at the same time. Continue reading “What My Little Easter Baby Has Taught Me About Control, Fear & Freedom”

What Our Restlessness Can Teach Us

Often times our bodies know things that our hearts and minds are yet to acknowledge or admit. You can’t fool the body. You can ignore it. Try to override it. Deny it. But you can’t fool it.

The body, is a truth teller.

I’ve heard it said that symptoms are like prophets. They are like little (or not so little) messengers, come to tell us something we need to know. What’s funny, though, is that we humans HATE symptoms. We focus all our time, energy and money on figuring out how to make them disappear, all the while, forgetting that symptoms are mere messengers. They are sent TO us, FROM something deeper.

Symptoms have something to teach us. Continue reading “What Our Restlessness Can Teach Us”

Baby Number Four: A Birth Story

I came to a different and awed understanding of what life is. It’s not what you think it is. First, what you call your life is not yours at all – not yours to plan, manipulate, or control, at least not very often. That’s a staggering realization. I was humbled to see that the maturity and serenity I thought I had achieved was simply the result of having things my way all the time. If life wasn’t mine, what was it? In fleeting moments of deep satisfaction and insight, I saw the absolute truth of life…love that is no mere word, love that goes beyond feeling, love that is life itself. I was filled with a rush of respect for all mothers everywhere. This was how we all got here. What miracles, what sacrifice, what love! I never knew, nor could I have, before now. Can you imagine this love? Can you anticipate it, fabricate it, measure and evaluate it? No, you can’t, you can only be love, and your child will release its magnitude within you. -from Momma Zen, by Karen Maezen Miller

Where do I start? Continue reading “Baby Number Four: A Birth Story”

The Source of Bad Days

Being a parent is way harder than I ever expected. I don’t know what I expected, exactly, but it wasn’t this.

I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to learn what I needed/need to know.

All I knew, at the time, was that Edward and Bella were in love and about to have a baby and ohmygosh I’M IN LOVE and I’M ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY! (Yes, I was reading Twilight when I was pregnant with my first. I have no regrets about this fact.)

Continue reading “The Source of Bad Days”

The Beautiful And The Brutal

In recent days, we’ve experienced the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. The most beautiful of beautiful that life has to offer, and the absolute most brutal of brutal.

And really, I’m sure you have too.

Whether it is in listening to the news or listening to a friend share her heart, the beautiful and the brutal seem to never be too far apart. They coexist on the same plane. Life never seems to be all roses, but truly, nor is it ever all thorns. Continue reading “The Beautiful And The Brutal”

We Did This. We Built Busy

I do this thing where I will emphatically, without any doubt in my mind, come to a decision. Done. Decided. Good to go.

But then, as I’m in conversation with others and start to feel a hint of either disapproval or maybe even just differing viewpoint on the subject, I start to doubt. This of course leads me to obsessively attempting to explain myself. I start to feel crazy at the thought that the other person doesn’t agree, because does that mean I’ve made a mistake? I believe what I believe so strongly! What does it say about me if what I believe so strongly isn’t reflected in the beliefs of the people I so admire?

I tailspin from there.

I’m just being honest with you. I don’t know why I feel the need to preface today’s post with this little caveat, I just do. Maybe it’s because I process my thoughts through my writing, and I’m really trying to get to the other side of this annoying little habit of mine. Because really, it’s super annoying.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with defending my beliefs on busyness.

Here’s the thing. The pull of my heart has been away from busyness and towards a life of hard work and meaning. I’m starting to understand that most of us confuse hard work with busyness. We think we are achieving so much by our busyness, yet simultaneously making ourselves and everyone else around us miserable in the pursuit of busyness.

You might say, “But I don’t pursue busyness, it just happens. Life is just busy!”

Bull crap. Cancer happens. Loss of a loved one happens. Fertility struggles happen. Busyness doesn’t just happen, we choose it. We choose it by not choosing the alternative. We choosing it by not asking ourselves if there is an alternative. We choose it by allowing others to dictate to us what is important. We build a cage of our own making, and then flail against it’s bars bemoaning the loss of our freedom and our happiness, never once stopping to notice the tools that built the cage which are still in our very own hands.

We did this. We built busy. Continue reading “We Did This. We Built Busy”