Last week, you were in the front passenger seat with me as we waited in the preschool drop off line. It was raining. As we do each day, I held your hand and squeezed it tight and said, “Be kind. Be you. Love Jesus.”
You gave me a hug and a kiss on the lips and said, “I will. You be kind. Be yourself. Love Jesus.”
And then your teacher was at the car door, and with all the confidence in the world you threw a “Bye mommy! Love you!” over your shoulder without a final glance, opened your froggy umbrella and stepped out into the rain.
As I watched you walking away, so little yet so self assured, with your backpack hanging haphazardly and your froggy umbrella a bright beacon on the gray, Ohio day, I felt a sob creep up in my throat.
It was unexpected, and I couldn’t quite catch it before it was out. My heart was full of love and pride but my eyes were full of tears.
Oh how far we’ve come, my love.
It’s only been five years. Five years! But in that time, so much has changed.
No one has taught me more about love, patience, forgiveness and adventure than you, my dear boy.
I’ve struggled against “motherhood” so much in these five years. I’ve struggled against you. I’ve fought against all the things I didn’t want to suddenly be associated with just because I was now “a mom.” I fought against your will which is as iron clad as my own. I fought against my perceived lack of freedom. I fought against all the things you’ve required of me, that I wasn’t prepared to give. Continue reading “To Theo, On Your Fifth Birthday”